Scientists today revealed the mathematical formula for a perfect slice of toast, showing that it is best cooked for exactly 216 seconds. A team of researchers carried out a study which found the optimum thickness is 14mm and the ideal amount of butter is 0.44 grams per square inch. The recommended cooking time gives the slice a ‘golden-brown’ colour and the ‘ultimate balance of external crunch and internal softness’.
Joan says two minutes will do. She’s fast at 120 seconds and you better believe her toast was fabulous to the f. To her instructions I would add: You might fluff your feather mules 
or adjust your peignoir 
while waiting for the toast to pop.
The Huffington Post chimed in with, Rivers also took the time to point out that in the event of a “holiday or special occasion,” raisin bread could be substituted for the white bread, in which the recipe name would then change to “Joan Rivers’ Holiday Toast.”
“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”
Joan Rivers
You turn my bread into buttered toast, Joan, and we will miss you terribly.
It has the look of ‘builder’s tea’ and, crucially, the outside is 12 times crunchier than the middle. The result is achieved by setting the toaster dial to ‘five out of six’ on a typical 900-watt appliance to produce a temperature of 154 degrees Celsius, the study revealed. Bread expert Dr Dom Lane, a consultant food researcher, spent one week toasting and tasting a staggering 2,000 slices for his research, in his bid to assist the nation’s toast eaters.
Thank you, B of Cafe Clementine, for the dopamine uptick, as always. You turn our bread into pecan-studded sticky rolls and you are the funniest girl we know.
The Lunch Encounter 