How to Write a Love Letter
First, identify the Object Of your Affections. Choose wisely. Your OOA (Object of Affection.) need not be world famous, nor hot necessarily. Worthiness in the eye, and desire, of the beholder is essential.
Now, are you ready to lay down your heart? I thought so. No holds, or rolls, barred. Rolling, rolling, rolling. Momentum is all.
Presentation
Again, choose thoughtfully. Think of first impressions. The company you keep is a piece of your testimony. Represent well. Classy collateral should not be underestimated. Black ink or dark blue only please, and never a frivolous shade such as red or green. You want to present well. Los angels forbid your OOD should find you silly.
Ambience
Mood. The elusive element. Put yourself in it. Turn yourself over. Feel it. Tufted vinyl cries for pastrami. What says OOA to YOU? Flokati underfoot? A turban of Whipped Cream and Other Delights swaddling your head? Your face aglow in the light of the rotating dessert case?
Greeting
Dear Langer’s ~CRUMPLE~CRUMPLE~ My Dearest Langer’s ~ CRUMPLE CRUMPLE~ My Darling Langer’s ~ Ugh~CRUMPLE CUMPLE~ Hello, Dear Langer’s, From Your Biggest Pastrami Fan
Beginning
Mise en place applies to all of life. Stack your plates, replace your typewriter ribbon, fill the creamers, roll up your sleeves.
Body
Not the body of your beloved, for heaven’s sakes. The body of your love’s letter. You don’t want to be thinking about any human body with a plate of eggs and pastrami at chest level and fork’s reach.
Be Expressive
A little embellishment never hurt anyone, even a bit of the tried-and-true parsley+orange wedge duo. Bitter, sour, sweet. Reach down deep and touch the power points of sensuality.
Be Specific
Ordering a little love to ride? “Pastrami on rye with mustard ONLY,” requested Linda. “Get it right or pay the price,” said Nancy. She knows. She’s been married a long time. “Yeah,” said Lynda, no dummy herself, “I don’t want to scrape anything.”
Neatness Counts
Add a personal touch
Valediction
A ferocious appetite supported my case. Before taking the leap, I strongly advise assessing the width and depth of your desire. I can put away a mountain of pastrami, half on site, half in the middle of the night.
With love ~ CRUMPLE CRUMPLE~ With all my love ~ CRUMPLE CRUMPLE ARRGH~ Oh! I’ve got it ~ Dreaming of your pastrami at midnight, I am…
Your Sated Admirer
Use an envelope
Doused with the scent of pastrami. It’s the little things. You might want to use a napkin liberally before licking the stamp.
The Lunch Encounter 
